Transitions

Now that the degree is done, the move undertaken, and daycare started, it is time for me to come to the realization that I am now a full-time working mom. That's not to say I wasn't working my ass off as a graduate student mom, but this is different....it's an OFFICE and ORIENTATIONS. The life of a grad student is a bit like the life of a ghost. You sort of move in and out of buildings without anyone really noticing or caring most of the time. As long as you make deadlines and show your face at appropriate moments, your time is your own. For a faculty member, the life seems similar but with more responsibility. No one would particularly care if I walked out of the building now and went home but there is more of an expectation that I not do that. Whether it's because they are paying me to not be a lazy professor or because of my own level of personal responsibility, I am not sure. There is work to be done but I'm having a bit of trouble getting my productivity back. I miss being home with the little man (although after a few days, I always change my mind and am ready to go back to work). Or maybe I just miss having total freedom over my day.

Perhaps it is just this period of being in between that is so difficult. I've never been a true stay at home mom or a true working mom until this very moment. I've had 19 months of a weird hybrid situation that I both loved and hated. I loved getting to spend that much time with my son, seeing all his firsts and knowing that I had that flexibility. I also hated it since trying to be a full-time student with a second full time job of being a mom was exceptionally difficult. Most of the time I felt like I was failing at both experiences. That I wasn't paying the proper amount of attention to either part of my life and executing both tasks poorly. Looking back that clearly isn't true. My son is happy and bright and my dissertation is done and I have a job. But somehow I still feel guilt about splitting my attention. Maybe it's the Catholic upbringing.

So now the transition to working motherhood. There is somehow both more and less guilt. I feel less guilt since when I am home, I can give my family my full attention and when I am at work, I can give my work my full attention. There is more guilt since now I see the little man less than before. There is also that guilt associated with my personal enjoyment of being out of the house. Time spent away from being slapped by a pissed off or overtired toddler, is time well spent in my opinion. The guilt comes from thinking I must be a terrible mom to enjoy being away from my family. I know I shouldn't feel guilty. My working provides my family with additional benefits that we wouldn't have without my job.

New Home and the Terrible Twos

Who doesn't love a temper tantrum? Oh, right! EVERYONE!! Since moving into our new home about a month ago, Little Man D has decided to have an opinion about everything. While it is exciting to see him learn and interact, his tantrums when all does not go his way are painful to say the least. D will go so far as to walk across the room to try and hit you when he's mad! It's almost comical since it's not like he could do much damage. You aren't allowed to laugh though, they covered that in Parenting 101. After googling things like "toddler hits" and "toddler won't take nap" about 500 different ways, I have learned nothing. There is no real advice. Just inane comments like "walk away," "ignore it," or my personal favorite "speak to him in a calm voice and ask him if he is frustrated." Ummm, no shit he's frustrated. Seeing as his English is limited to describing some household items, I doubt we can have a frank discussion about why his cracker breaking in half warrants a serious meltdown. Plus if you get down to his level to talk to him, he tries to slap you in the face. Ahhh, kids!

That leads to another dilemma. People are starting to ask about baby #2. How does anyone have the desire to add another baby into the mix? The only time it seems like a good idea to me is if he's been an angel all day and then mommy has a few drinks that night. In the cold light of day, however, my sanity returns and I realize I barely control the one child. Supermarkets, daycare drop off, even walks down the street can all have hidden minefields waiting to explode. How do you grocery shop with two trying to either commit suicide by jumping out the front end or screaming at you because they are infants and that's what infants do?? Maybe when LMD is bigger, it will seem like a good idea but right now major props to parents who do it.

The Final Push (birth pun intended)

So, it's done. I have finished my Ph.D. It feels almost anti-climatic for the amount of time, stress and energy that went into it. It's not that I'm not excited, I obviously am, but it's also just a little sad. While I am thrilled to be done, being done means leaving California. Leaving my friends, the comfort of a group of colleagues that I know and respect and having to learn how to navigate a whole new city. It also means packing up an 18 month old and moving him across the country. That should be fun, I'm sure.

It has been an interesting ride, this whole Ph.D. adventure. Looking back there are a few things I realize I did that made my life harder but better. The decision to get married and have a baby all while being in school full time added some extra complications to the degree. Clearly, they were worth it since I have an awesome husband and a beautiful baby but this whole process would have been a lot easier if I didn't plan a cross country wedding during classes or defended my dissertation proposal four days from my due date.