Transitions

Now that the degree is done, the move undertaken, and daycare started, it is time for me to come to the realization that I am now a full-time working mom. That's not to say I wasn't working my ass off as a graduate student mom, but this is different....it's an OFFICE and ORIENTATIONS. The life of a grad student is a bit like the life of a ghost. You sort of move in and out of buildings without anyone really noticing or caring most of the time. As long as you make deadlines and show your face at appropriate moments, your time is your own. For a faculty member, the life seems similar but with more responsibility. No one would particularly care if I walked out of the building now and went home but there is more of an expectation that I not do that. Whether it's because they are paying me to not be a lazy professor or because of my own level of personal responsibility, I am not sure. There is work to be done but I'm having a bit of trouble getting my productivity back. I miss being home with the little man (although after a few days, I always change my mind and am ready to go back to work). Or maybe I just miss having total freedom over my day.

Perhaps it is just this period of being in between that is so difficult. I've never been a true stay at home mom or a true working mom until this very moment. I've had 19 months of a weird hybrid situation that I both loved and hated. I loved getting to spend that much time with my son, seeing all his firsts and knowing that I had that flexibility. I also hated it since trying to be a full-time student with a second full time job of being a mom was exceptionally difficult. Most of the time I felt like I was failing at both experiences. That I wasn't paying the proper amount of attention to either part of my life and executing both tasks poorly. Looking back that clearly isn't true. My son is happy and bright and my dissertation is done and I have a job. But somehow I still feel guilt about splitting my attention. Maybe it's the Catholic upbringing.

So now the transition to working motherhood. There is somehow both more and less guilt. I feel less guilt since when I am home, I can give my family my full attention and when I am at work, I can give my work my full attention. There is more guilt since now I see the little man less than before. There is also that guilt associated with my personal enjoyment of being out of the house. Time spent away from being slapped by a pissed off or overtired toddler, is time well spent in my opinion. The guilt comes from thinking I must be a terrible mom to enjoy being away from my family. I know I shouldn't feel guilty. My working provides my family with additional benefits that we wouldn't have without my job.